


I walk through this world, just trying to be be nice

by Hellonightmares



Series: We are too fragile just to guess [2]
Category: The Office (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Bisexual Character, Bisexual Pam Beesly, Canon Compliant, F/F, Karen appears, Original character appears but just to move the story along, well close
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 07:11:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15769143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hellonightmares/pseuds/Hellonightmares
Summary: Pam's pov of the first three seasons with Jim as a girl





	I walk through this world, just trying to be be nice

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from Feelings by Hayley Kiyoko

Throughout her life Pam had always noticed girls, the way they did their hair and their makeup, but she had always thought that was normal, she thought ‘wow she looks pretty today’ or ‘her dress fits her really nicely’ but she’s a girl so she’s supposed to notice that stuff. One time in seventh grade Pam said something like, “Belinda looks beautiful today” and her friend was like, “Yeah, she looks really good” and so Pam thought it was normal to notice girls. It didn’t even cross her mind that she could be gay, she was attracted to boys and bi wasn’t a thing she had heard of. 

Pam started dating Roy in high school and honestly, she didn’t think that he was the guy she was going to marry, he had a bit of an anger problem and he never really listened or seemed to care about the stuff she was interested in. Don’t get Pam wrong, he was a good high school boyfriend but that’s probably all he should have been. They got together in grade eleven because Pam’s friend, Vikki told Pam that he liked her and Pam was kind of into him to, so they dated (and dated and dated) and it was nice, he didn’t care about her art (in high school she still thought she could maybe one day be a professional artist) but he was there and when they had sex (a year later -Pam was cautious and nervous) it was good.

Then they grew up but their relationship didn’t really grow with them, they worked in high school: Pam went to Roy’s football games and they hung out after school and on weekends, Roy waited by Pam’s locker in the morning which was sweet because he loved to sleep in so he had to get up extra early to get there before her and Pam used to make him mixtapes (she loved making mixtapes and made them for all her friends but she didn’t tell Roy that). 

Pam and Roy started working at Dunder Mifflin at the same time, Pam noticed that they were looking for warehouse workers and a receptionist, so she let Roy know and they both got their respective jobs. For the first two weeks of the job it was incredibly boring, but it did give her a lot of time to draw, at that time she was going through her people stage and she was drawing a little of Roy but also just pretty people she’d seen on the street (guys and girls). And then she became friends with Jim.

Jim was everything she wanted Roy to be, she was funny and passionately supported Pam’s art, but maybe, she thought, that wasn’t Roy’s fault, it’s not his fault that he wasn’t exactly what Pam wanted in a guy and it’s the first time that she actually thought about leaving him. But not for long because of course she’s not going to leave him, she loved him and why was she even comparing him to Jim, Jim was just a new employee that Pam had hit it off with -a female employee.

It was so much fun talking with Jim and pranking Dwight with Jim and honestly just being with Jim sort of rejuvenated Pam. Except one thing Jim would never talk about with Pam was boys, that included Roy. Pam remembers the first time she tried to ask Jim whether she was into anyone, and it went terribly, she got really defensive and clammed up and Pam had no idea what she’d done. Jim apologised for getting weird, but she didn’t explain why she was like that and because Pam can be stubborn she asked her a few more time after that but Jim never answered, the closest she got was saying that she had a crush on somebody, but she wouldn’t say who he was and whenever Pam brought it up she just acted like she didn’t say anything.

That was strange but not as strange as how Jim acted around Roy or how she reacted whenever Roy was brought up in conversation which, at least in the beginning (before Pam learnt not to bring him up) was quite a bit. Pam had invited Jim out with her and Roy a couple of times before she agreed but as soon as they got to the bar Pam regretted everything she had ever done, Jim wasn’t exactly mean to Roy, but she wasn’t exactly nice either, she was just sarcastic and passive aggressive as all hell and it looked like it physically pained her to be there. Honestly, Pam should’ve figured it out by now, looking back on their early friendship moments it seems obvious that Jim had a crush on her 

Other than Jim’s weirdness around Roy everything was going really well for Pam, for years. She had a great boyfriend -well great isn’t quite the right word but she loved him, and she was happy with him, she had a job that she enjoyed (well some parts) and a really good friend who she loved being around. And then, Roy proposed. Initially Pam was ecstatic, she was going to get married! About a day later, when the excitement had worn off (and she had rung pretty much everyone that she knew to tell them) she realised she was going to get _married_ , after all, she was only 23. But it felt like it was too late now, she had agreed, and she did love him, she would have the rest of their life to get used to being with him forever.

Pam’s old school friend, Vikki came into town so the two of them went out for drinks. They catch up and Pam tells her about the engagement and Vikki tells her about having a great girlfriend -and at first Pam doesn’t understand what she means (the conversation went a little like this: -oh yeah, how long have you guys been friends? -no I mean girlfriend like in a gay way -oh you’re gay? -no bisexual -that’s when you like both, right? -well thank you for trusting me enough to tell me -it’s all good Pam, you know you’re my girl). They somehow got onto the topic of Jim and Vikki joked that Pam had really got it bad for her, but pam takes it literally and gets all defensive, talking about how she’s straight and engaged. Pam soon realised she was joking and they laughed awkwardly but they both soon left, and Pam went home thinking about Jim but also about herself. She would know if she was bisexual, right? 

Right. That’s the conclusion she comes to over the next week, she would know, and she most definitely does not have a crush on Jim. She decides on this because she would know if she was bisexual (except Vikki told her she only figured it out a couple of years ago) and it wouldn’t matter anyway because Jim was straight (except that she had never mentioned any boys, ever).

It all changed when Pam found out Jim was dating Katy, she remembered her from when she came in to sell purses and she assumed that that’s where they had met. For about a week before Pam found out, she knew Jim was acting weird but whenever she brought it up Jim just denied it and she should have pushed it but ever since her brief sexuality crisis she had been a bit more careful around Jim. Pam couldn’t help but be curious about Jim and Katy’s relationship, but she couldn’t get up the courage to say anything, so she went with being polite and trying to act as normal as possible.

It surprised Pam that Jim brought Katy on the booze cruise and she didn’t really know why, she guesses it was because that seemed like a serious thing to do and she didn’t know that they were that serious. Jim didn’t really talk about Katy with her, which was fair enough because at the start when Pam had just found out because she acted pretty weird, but she’d liked to think that she had calmed down by then.

On the booze cruise Jim boke up with Katy and she actually told Pam right after it happened, and it was kind of like she was expecting Pam to say something. Pam had been starting to legitimately realise that there was no way she could be straight because she spent most of her time thinking about Jim and that just wasn’t straight behaviour, she had kept forgetting that she’s engaged to a guy she loves (and they set a date for the wedding!), and she should’ve really stopped obsessing about her best friend.

Out of nowhere (or at least that’s how it felt) Jim confessed that she used to have a crush on Pam, she wanted to make it less awkward, so she said she kind of knew but she definitely didn’t. This was one of the times where she thought about confiding in Jim that she’s having some problems (problems probably wasn’t the right word) with sexuality but for reasons she couldn’t quite admit to it.

The thing was that Pam had been researching a lot, like she knew about so many sexualities and genders and she hadn’t shared her newfound knowledge with anyone, so she called Vikki. Vikki was surprised but pleased to hear from her and when Pam told her about all of her research Vikki got straight to the chase and called Pam out on her bullshit and asked if this was because of Jim, and Pam answered truthfully that it wasn’t completely because she had finally realised something about herself but yes it was also because of Jim because Pam was pretty sure she was in love with her. Vikki was awesome and because she only figured out she was bisexual recently she could totally and completely relate to what Pam was talking about and after she hung up Pam promised herself that she would make sure to keep in touch with Vikki more often.

Pam wonders whether she should tell Roy, Vikki had told her that no one except herself needed to know but that it was good to share but the thing was Pam didn’t know if Roy would be cool with it. It’s not like she was planning to leave Roy for Jim because even though she was possibly in love with her, she still loved Roy and they were going to get married and honestly, she didn’t have the courage. But she supposed that she should tell him because it was a part of her and honestly ever since she had figured it out it had become important to her and an important part of her.

She just had to figure out how and when to tell him. Roy had never been crazy homophobic but he did say things were gay when they were lame and he makes faces when he sees two dudes holding hands or kissing in public but Pam assumed it would be different with someone he knew and loved but she got scared when remembering how weird Roy was when he found out about Jim and she just couldn’t do it, sometimes Pam wonders how differently everything would have turned out if she had told him.

Pam was excited for Valentines day, not because of Roy but because Jim always got her some funny gag gift and they laughed about it, on the other hand Roy had stopped getting her gifts -he used to get her flowers or chocolate, but he had stopped which he said was because they were settled but honestly Pam missed knowing that he cared about her. Roy had always been a manly man or whatever, so he had never really been one for expressing emotion which Pam thought was stupid, but it was nice to have that reassurance that he was still in it for the long run.

Except Jim didn’t get her a gag gift that year, she wondered whether it was because she was sad about her break up with Katy (Jim told her that they just weren’t working but Pam could tell she was hiding something from her) or whether she could tell that Pam liked her. Pam hoped to go it was the first one. And so, she didn’t get any Valentines gift that year.

The night Jim confessed he was in love with her was one Pam would always remember, Jim had said she just wanted her to know and Pam could tell she didn’t really expect her to say it back and the thing is she did love her back, she loved her more than she had ever loved anyone but Pam didn’t have the guts, the courage to say it. She told her what her friendship meant to her, but it wasn’t what either of them wanted to hear. She didn’t know what to do so she went upstairs and called her mum, Pam hadn’t come out to her, but she was the only person she wanted to talk to in that moment (except for Jim). And the Jim came and kissed her and oh wow it was the most magical thing she had ever felt, and she wanted it to last forever, but she pulled back because it wasn’t fair to Jim because she knew in her heart that she wouldn’t leave Roy.

Except she did, when Jim didn’t come back after their kiss Pam realised it was unfair to be with Roy when she was in love with someone else even though Jim went to Stamford and they couldn’t be together. So she called off her wedding and broke up with him and she won’t lie it felt good at first but then she realised she was all alone and didn’t have anyone but then she called Vikki and they talked about it and Pam realised maybe it was good that Jim was gone (not that she wasn’t still majorly pissed) because it would give her a chance to figure out who she was when she’s by herself, she had been in a committed and serious relationship since high school and maybe it was time to find out who Pam Beesly was without anyone telling her who she could and couldn’t be.

That’s not to say she wasn’t angry at Jim for leaving like she did, without any warning. She understood why, if she had been rejected like she rejected her she thinks she would probably up and leave too but she was her best friend and now she was alone at work and honestly it was so boring. Pam was also sad to have lost her, seemingly forever because it wasn’t her choice that Jim confessed when she did, and it wasn’t her choice to never speak to Jim again (she called her a few times, but Jim never picked up) so Pam thought she had a right to be angry.

Anyway, Pam was keeping busy at work and she was trying to be more adventurous and try new things, like she went to a gay bar and talked to a girl for a few minutes and that was really nice. Pam played tennis in high school, so she signed up for an amateur tennis league and it was actually really fun and she made this friend names Dylan who had also called off his wedding earlier that year, so they bonded over that. And then the rumours of the branch shutting down came to light and Pam tried not to pay attention to rumours, but these sounded real and she started to get worried.

But instead the Stamford branch shut down and suddenly Jim was back. Kind of. Jim was physically back but she was distant and didn’t want to prank Dwight anymore and didn’t really seem to care about Pam at all. She also had a girlfriend, Karen who came over from Stanford and Pam couldn’t help but be jealous. She knew that she had exactly no right to be because she was the one that turned Jim down and maybe if she hadn’t they would have been together right there and then. But you can’t change the past, so she was just going to have to get used to it.

Pam sort of became friends with Karen, they didn’t go out after work or anything, but they were work friends. She helped Pam rebel against the part planning committee and she was pretty cool, Pam didn’t know how cool she would be with her if she knew Pam and Jim’s history. Karen talked a little about Jim with her and Pam tried to act like it was no big deal but, god, she wanted what Karen had. Jim started to become friendlier with Pam and she thought that was because of her newfound friendliness with Karen and she’s pretty sure she was right. It didn’t really matter why because it was just nice to have Jim as a friend again, he joined in with her pranking against Dwight and even thought there was no way they could back to where they were before, and it didn’t seem like Jim wanted to, it was nice just being cordial with him.

Once Jim asked advice about what to do about Karen possibly moving into a house two blocks away from her and Pam honestly didn’t see the big deal and she told her that and they talked about it and she honestly thought she was (finally) getting over Jim. And about time too. And then just as Pam was getting closer with Karen, she pulled away and Pam didn’t think about it being because of the whole Jim situation because she had been trying to think about Jim less even though they were getting closer at work again, she didn’t want to be caught up in a girl who was committed to someone else.

Pam had been hanging out with Roy again because she had missed him, and it was nice being with him without all the pressure of marriage and stuff, but she did feel some pressure to tell him about Jim and their kiss and he seemed alright with it, definitely surprised that Pam was into a girl but aright. And then he attacked Jim and Dwight defended him and everything went to shit. Of course, she apologised to Jim and told her she had no idea Roy was going to do that, and Jim said it was fine but obviously didn’t get why Pam told Roy. Pam’s not completely sure why she told him either, it’s just that she wanted that time to be different, more truthful. She talked to Roy after he attacked Jim and told him that was no way that she was ever going to take him back now and he seemed upset, but she didn’t think he was as upset as he would’ve been if she hadn’t just told him that she was bi.

Even though Jim and she were good, they weren’t really _them_ and Pam wanted to confront him, but she didn’t have the courage until Beach Day when she did the coal walk. Michael told she couldn’t do it but screw him, no one else did it and she had wanted to be more adventurous lately, so she did it and it felt fantastic. Pam went to the circle of her co-workers and confronted Jim (and everyone) about wanting to be treated better and just Jim about wanting to be real friends again, later she felt embarrassed and her feet hurt but she didn’t regret it. Jim found her later and they talked for real and it felt good, it reminded Pam of why she loved her.

Just because Pam confronted her it didn’t all back to how it was, Karen was still around, and they hadn’t talked in months, so it wasn’t easy, but they were now a new and improved version of Pam and Jim. Until Jim went to New York for the job interview and Pam put a yogurt lid in her bag to remind her that she was a winner no matter what. And she thought that that would be the end of it, until she came back and asked her out, that took real courage because Jim couldn’t have known that she was going to say yes but she did (of course).

It wasn’t all happy after that, she had to figure out how to date a girl and how to date Jim and how to come out to her mum (and everyone) but it felt good and isn’t that all that matters, really?


End file.
